Thoughts on the Job Offer

Part of the letter to my principal:

I have a few concerns about the job offer for next year. I was quite honored by the offer but I have been reflecting quite a bit.

My main question was, What is my motivation for accepting the job?
1) The challenge of learning a different aspect of education.
2) The prestige
3) The increase in salary
I believe some of these are not the greatest motivations for accepting a job.

Another question was, Do I have the knowledge to accept this job?
At first I believed that I had enough knowledge to be trained as a principal. However, now I am not so sure. As I was sitting next to you while you were talking to Mr. and Mrs. Williams, I realized that I do not have the knowledge or experience you have. I think you're doing a great job as principal and I know I don't have the wisdom you have in this field. I know I have almost 10 years experience with working with children but I only have 1.2 years experience teaching in an elementary school setting not including my methods and student teaching. I also am getting my masters degree to become more knowledgeable in this field but I have just started so cannot count this.

Then I think, you wouldn't have asked me if you didn't believe I could do the job. Do you believe I can gain enough experience to be the principal next year? Do you believe that I can squelch the fires coming from the parents and the concerns from the teachers? Can I be someone that the teachers look up to and go to when they have a problem or need advice? Will I be able to do the job effectively and with character?

Also I am worried about how the parents will view that next year with a principal with very minimal experience and education to be the principal. I honestly don't want people to leave the school because of me.

Basically, I'm still not sure about taking the position especially since I been watching you perform your duties as principal. However, I would like to know what the training process entails and whether it will prepare me to the point where I can do the best job I can as the principal.

Banks and other things

The first week of school was going well until personal problems set in. The bank refused to clear a check I deposited and then for some odd reason took it out twice. It's funny how I was waiting for this check since March from the IRS and now I have to wait for the bank too. They mailed the check so it won't arrive for 3-5 business days. What a load of crap. This is the kind of stuff that happens to me on a regular basis. I wonder if I'm like Stanley Yelnats in Holes? Is there some kind of curse I have to reverse; I'm really starting to wonder if that's the case. I would really like some insight into my bad luck. I'm a good, upright citizen who does pretty much everything she's supposed to. Although, as I write this I realize my dad did say that there was an Ulrich black cloud. How do make black clouds go away? Can you trace it back to the ancestors of old? It's a good day if nothing happens. I love nice, boring, and ordinary days! I absolutely ADORE them! Today was one of those days and I love it! My only wish is that I have more plain old ordinary, typical, run of the mill, boring days. Actually, one additional wish...that I would stop worrying about everything I say and do, to realize that maybe the things that I say aren't construed like I think they are, that I'm not as obnoxious as I think I am, and people aren't judging me as much as I think they are. Wow, if that could happen in one day, I think I would die of happiness.

Thoughts

A new job creates many emotions for me; anxiety, paranoia, happiness, and fear. More negative emotions than anything because I am not a social person. However, the job I have now is not a teaching job where I spent most of my time with children. It is in an office interacting with people on a daily basis. So I am in constant fear of being judged; a paranoia of sorts which triggers my anxiety and weird behaviors like losing concentration (I call it escaping into my own mind for a while in order to cope with the situation then realizing I was staring off into space)or ADHD . The funny thing is I hear everything and comprehend it when I come out of it but my response time is kind of different where I end up saying or asking the wrong thing. And speaking of verbal blunders, it's a constant for me. I'm always saying or asking the wrong thing even if I'm not anxious. My social cues are way off base. I wonder if that's one of the symptoms of bipolar? Why do I obsess constantly about what people think of me? Why do I throw social scenarios around in my head like a pitcher throws balls in a game; one after the other? Why do I worry so much; why do I care? Shouldn't I just be happy with me and not worry about those other people? The hard thing about my illness is that every little emotion is magnified by 100 even with medication it's magnified just not as much as it used to be. It's overwhelming to have so many emotions declaring war on each other in a private war soaked in not politics but chemical imbalance. My main issue is that I want people to like me and not because I have an ego thing going on but because I generally like them. I have never met a person I didn't find something good about. I guess that's one of my good points; that I like everybody because I search to find one or more good things about them rather than focus on the bad. I'm more understanding than most and more patient than many. So if I have my good points then why am I so insecure especially now when everything (despite my bad luck happenings) is going my way? I think part of why I'm insecure today is because someone told me I shouldn't share that I'm bipolar with people. I'm not going to go around telling everyone (well, at least not until my book is released) but at the same time I don't see why I should keep it from people if they ask. I think people who fear bipolar are the people who are ignorant about it. They have no idea how scary it is for someone with a mental illness and how they feel when they finally realize they weren't living in reality for quite some time. It's a unique type of hell. I hate this stigma. I can't wait to finish my book so maybe people can see how horrible it is for the mentally ill and how it's not the their fault for getting sick. I want to give hope to those who are struggling and who don't even realize that they're living in a dreamworld. I think writing this book is going to be great therapy. No, I haven't started compiling it yet but I have it scheduled. Well, enough for tonight, I have to go do dishes then hit the hay.

Musings of one kind and another

Writing releases the hold that stress and depression has on me and I am long overdue for relief. Sometimes I wish I had close friends that I could call at the drop of a hat and share anything with. Most of the time, I deal with things on my own but when it comes to a head I need to vent. I scared off most of my close friends when I got sick and honestly I don't blame them for bailing. If I were them I wouldn't be friends with me (even now); still way too weird and freakish sometimes. And I am very self-aware and notice my oddities too but have no idea how to control it but I think the main cause is extreme social anxiety and nervousness which temporarily overloads my thought process and I am unsure where to focus. Well, that's the best way to describe it. Anyway, back to venting. I'm depressed. I can tell because I'm irritable and impatient and lately I come home at 4:30pm and fall asleep til 5 the next morning. Not very productive and very scary for a person like me. I sometimes feel like I'm in my own personal prison. Four walls and no way to get out, just a record repeating itself and not really getting back on track. Even with meds I feel like my depression is not under control as it should be. It controls me especially when going through stressful situations like finding a new job. I want to be the person I was before I was sick. I was a happy go lucky, nothing could touch me kind of person. Where ever I was going, whatever I was doing, I was happy. I don't like being this way and it's very frustrating not to have any control over what my body is doing to me. Yes, I am WAY better than when I first started this Bipolar journey but it is FAR from over. It's interesting where life leads you; from happy to sad, from trusting in God to not trusting him, from wanting to go to seminary to be a pastor to not setting a foot in a church for over a year. Well, I hope this bout of depression doesn't last long, I'm tired of sleeping my life away just because that's the only way my body can cope.

Teacher seeks someone who can stop time

Up writing a blog when I should be working but I've been up since 5am so I think I deserve a little break. There's nothing like a good long run to get all the negativity out; to begin thinking clearly about troubles that plague the soul and build up like cancer in the very core of your being. So running yesterday was a great thing for me and I wish I had time to do it more often. As for time, I have none. Right now I go to bed between 11pm and 1am and find myself struggling to get out of bed at 5am. I get to work between 6 and 7:30 every morning to get an early start on my day. Besides I rather get there early than stay late. I leave work between 4-5pm and hang out with my son, work out, or take care of household things/errands. By 8pm I'm working yet again and find myself up until late, only to have the cycle repeat itself the next day. I used to get out on Thursday nights to Adult Skate Night but I haven't made it since I started this job. I miss going out... Anyway, I'm rambling. Planning, and more planning, tests, and more tests, observations, classes on how to maximize student engagement consume a lot of my time and exacerbate my worries. Not to mention the dreaded pink slips that are sure to be handed out soon...no thanks to our local government! And as a first year teacher who was hired after the 1st quarter, I'll be one of the first to get one. Looking on the bright side, I've been through much worse than this. Ah well, when one door closes another opens. Besides, I like challenges! The latest, a mystery: Why did my students do so poorly on the 3rd quarter benchmarks after I worked so hard to teach them? Feel free to make any suggestions, I'm open to any help I can get! Ugh! 12:46 and I still have at least an hour worth of work left. No sleep tonight, meeting at 7:30 tomorrow which means I have to get to work by 6:30 to have my class ready. Especially since the principal is observing Math tomorrow. Wish me luck...

Christmas Letter 2008/2009

Dear Friends and Family,

I write this very late Christmas letter to reminisce on events of 2009 and maybe even some from 2008. I am uncertain as to when I last wrote to all of you and regret that I haven’t kept in better touch with most of you.

There comes a time in someone’s life when they realize they don’t know anything. After spending twenty-seven years on earth, everything that made sense to them two years ago has disappeared. Almost everything in their life has fallen into the cracks of the abyss, never to be seen again.

This is where I found myself June of 2008. Everything in my life was torn apart and thrown back into my lap as pieces of a puzzle that I had to put back together. The most important part of me had been scrambled, my mind. In June 2008, I was diagnosed with a mental disorder, rapid-cycling bipolar with psychotic features. This means episodes of mania and depression with a huge helping of delusions. I no longer knew what was real and what was not. Thanks to certain members of my family, I was able to recover from this disease. However, it is a lifelong disease that takes a lot of work. I have to take medication for the rest of my life and I can relapse at any time due to stress.



The Fall semester of 2008 was one of the hardest semesters of my life. School was never hard to me and I always earned good grades. However, I was trying to learn with a new condition, one that made it hard to concentrate, one that made me feel like I had ADD. On top of this issue, I had to deal with getting used to my medication. Not being able to get up in time for school and falling asleep during class were two of the main problems. As a future teacher this was unacceptable but I was a slave to my medication. Also, I was still having episodes and delusions which made it very hard to talk to anyone or make friends. But, I pushed through it and didn’t give up (even when I stopped taking one of my medications so I could study and relapsed instead).

By January of 2009, I was finally stable on my medication and had no more delusions or episodes. I started my student teaching semester and loved it! I passed and felt like I had done a good job and was prepared to become a full-time teacher. I graduated that Spring and was so proud that I could get through an ordeal like I did and graduate college the same year. It was the unknown of the following year that scared me.

I started a job delivering pizzas and working as a teacher for a K-1 Summer Program. I had a great summer until July when I had not heard back from any of the jobs I had applied for. I became increasingly more alarmed about not having a job so much so that it affected my summer jobs. I continued looking and by August when the Summer job had ended, I was spiraling towards a full blown depression.

I was hired as a long-term substitute in September in a place called Sells about an hour and a half from my house. Thank goodness they had a shuttle or I wouldn’t have been able to teach there! I continued to look, applied to about ten jobs a day until I received a call from one of my professors from methods (who also happened to be my student teaching supervisor). She said the principal of the school where I student taught was trying to find a teacher. I called her and two weeks later I had a job.

Now I’m a 1st/2nd grade combination teacher and like every first year teacher, I’m struggling. I’m worried about letting those kids down. I’m worried that I’m not teaching well enough or interesting enough. I’m worried that they won’t be ready for the next year. What I have realized though is that as long as I do my very best and give all that I can, that’s all I can do.
There’s no need to worry any longer as long as I remember that. I may not remember that every day but I’ve got great friends and family to help me with that. I get discouraged really easily nowadays but a word of kindness goes a long way. And one of these days maybe I’ll be ready to help people like me get through, succeed...but I haven’t quite gotten all the way yet...soon, very soon.

Anyway, in this tumultuous time I accomplished more than finishing school, I wrote many things and trained and competed in a triathlon.

I wrote constantly during my struggle. I have started a book based on these daily writings; what it is truly like to be in a bipolar mind. I also completed two children’s books, one of which is illustrated. I hope to get these published over the summer as well as complete the third book.

The triathlon was difficult. I wasn’t prepared for the heat (I competed in September) or the swimming but I got through and had a great time doing it. It was extremely empowering, I recommend that everyone does at least one tri in their lifetime. I am hoping to do another one again this next year although I haven’t started training yet.

I tend to brag too much about my son so I thought I would save the best for last. Will is a great little boy full of curiosity. He loves to read and he can actually read on a first grade level!!! But he also loves to jump around, dance, run, and do “boy things”. He is very active! He turns five in February and I’m glad that I’m around to help him celebrate it!
Well that about wraps up the last two years. Sorry this one was so long but I was making up for two years of letters.

Will and I hope that you have a great new decade and that many blessings come from 2010!!!