Thoughts

A new job creates many emotions for me; anxiety, paranoia, happiness, and fear. More negative emotions than anything because I am not a social person. However, the job I have now is not a teaching job where I spent most of my time with children. It is in an office interacting with people on a daily basis. So I am in constant fear of being judged; a paranoia of sorts which triggers my anxiety and weird behaviors like losing concentration (I call it escaping into my own mind for a while in order to cope with the situation then realizing I was staring off into space)or ADHD . The funny thing is I hear everything and comprehend it when I come out of it but my response time is kind of different where I end up saying or asking the wrong thing. And speaking of verbal blunders, it's a constant for me. I'm always saying or asking the wrong thing even if I'm not anxious. My social cues are way off base. I wonder if that's one of the symptoms of bipolar? Why do I obsess constantly about what people think of me? Why do I throw social scenarios around in my head like a pitcher throws balls in a game; one after the other? Why do I worry so much; why do I care? Shouldn't I just be happy with me and not worry about those other people? The hard thing about my illness is that every little emotion is magnified by 100 even with medication it's magnified just not as much as it used to be. It's overwhelming to have so many emotions declaring war on each other in a private war soaked in not politics but chemical imbalance. My main issue is that I want people to like me and not because I have an ego thing going on but because I generally like them. I have never met a person I didn't find something good about. I guess that's one of my good points; that I like everybody because I search to find one or more good things about them rather than focus on the bad. I'm more understanding than most and more patient than many. So if I have my good points then why am I so insecure especially now when everything (despite my bad luck happenings) is going my way? I think part of why I'm insecure today is because someone told me I shouldn't share that I'm bipolar with people. I'm not going to go around telling everyone (well, at least not until my book is released) but at the same time I don't see why I should keep it from people if they ask. I think people who fear bipolar are the people who are ignorant about it. They have no idea how scary it is for someone with a mental illness and how they feel when they finally realize they weren't living in reality for quite some time. It's a unique type of hell. I hate this stigma. I can't wait to finish my book so maybe people can see how horrible it is for the mentally ill and how it's not the their fault for getting sick. I want to give hope to those who are struggling and who don't even realize that they're living in a dreamworld. I think writing this book is going to be great therapy. No, I haven't started compiling it yet but I have it scheduled. Well, enough for tonight, I have to go do dishes then hit the hay.