Musings of one kind and another

Writing releases the hold that stress and depression has on me and I am long overdue for relief. Sometimes I wish I had close friends that I could call at the drop of a hat and share anything with. Most of the time, I deal with things on my own but when it comes to a head I need to vent. I scared off most of my close friends when I got sick and honestly I don't blame them for bailing. If I were them I wouldn't be friends with me (even now); still way too weird and freakish sometimes. And I am very self-aware and notice my oddities too but have no idea how to control it but I think the main cause is extreme social anxiety and nervousness which temporarily overloads my thought process and I am unsure where to focus. Well, that's the best way to describe it. Anyway, back to venting. I'm depressed. I can tell because I'm irritable and impatient and lately I come home at 4:30pm and fall asleep til 5 the next morning. Not very productive and very scary for a person like me. I sometimes feel like I'm in my own personal prison. Four walls and no way to get out, just a record repeating itself and not really getting back on track. Even with meds I feel like my depression is not under control as it should be. It controls me especially when going through stressful situations like finding a new job. I want to be the person I was before I was sick. I was a happy go lucky, nothing could touch me kind of person. Where ever I was going, whatever I was doing, I was happy. I don't like being this way and it's very frustrating not to have any control over what my body is doing to me. Yes, I am WAY better than when I first started this Bipolar journey but it is FAR from over. It's interesting where life leads you; from happy to sad, from trusting in God to not trusting him, from wanting to go to seminary to be a pastor to not setting a foot in a church for over a year. Well, I hope this bout of depression doesn't last long, I'm tired of sleeping my life away just because that's the only way my body can cope.