Dear Friends and Family,
I write this very late Christmas letter to reminisce on events of 2009 and maybe even some from 2008. I am uncertain as to when I last wrote to all of you and regret that I haven’t kept in better touch with most of you.
There comes a time in someone’s life when they realize they don’t know anything. After spending twenty-seven years on earth, everything that made sense to them two years ago has disappeared. Almost everything in their life has fallen into the cracks of the abyss, never to be seen again.
This is where I found myself June of 2008. Everything in my life was torn apart and thrown back into my lap as pieces of a puzzle that I had to put back together. The most important part of me had been scrambled, my mind. In June 2008, I was diagnosed with a mental disorder, rapid-cycling bipolar with psychotic features. This means episodes of mania and depression with a huge helping of delusions. I no longer knew what was real and what was not. Thanks to certain members of my family, I was able to recover from this disease. However, it is a lifelong disease that takes a lot of work. I have to take medication for the rest of my life and I can relapse at any time due to stress.
I could have gone the easy route and received disability for being SMI but I have never taken the easy route. I picked up those pieces and went back to school in the Fall of 2008. I quit school before my last year to stay at home with my son. After the divorce, (which I filed for during my bout of insanity along with buying a new car and getting braces; huge impulsive decisions created mostly by my condition) I decided I wanted to finish my last year of college.
The Fall semester of 2008 was one of the hardest semesters of my life. School was never hard to me and I always earned good grades. However, I was trying to learn with a new condition, one that made it hard to concentrate, one that made me feel like I had ADD. On top of this issue, I had to deal with getting used to my medication. Not being able to get up in time for school and falling asleep during class were two of the main problems. As a future teacher this was unacceptable but I was a slave to my medication. Also, I was still having episodes and delusions which made it very hard to talk to anyone or make friends. But, I pushed through it and didn’t give up (even when I stopped taking one of my medications so I could study and relapsed instead).
By January of 2009, I was finally stable on my medication and had no more delusions or episodes. I started my student teaching semester and loved it! I passed and felt like I had done a good job and was prepared to become a full-time teacher. I graduated that Spring and was so proud that I could get through an ordeal like I did and graduate college the same year. It was the unknown of the following year that scared me.
I started a job delivering pizzas and working as a teacher for a K-1 Summer Program. I had a great summer until July when I had not heard back from any of the jobs I had applied for. I became increasingly more alarmed about not having a job so much so that it affected my summer jobs. I continued looking and by August when the Summer job had ended, I was spiraling towards a full blown depression.
I was hired as a long-term substitute in September in a place called Sells about an hour and a half from my house. Thank goodness they had a shuttle or I wouldn’t have been able to teach there! I continued to look, applied to about ten jobs a day until I received a call from one of my professors from methods (who also happened to be my student teaching supervisor). She said the principal of the school where I student taught was trying to find a teacher. I called her and two weeks later I had a job.
Now I’m a 1st/2nd grade combination teacher and like every first year teacher, I’m struggling. I’m worried about letting those kids down. I’m worried that I’m not teaching well enough or interesting enough. I’m worried that they won’t be ready for the next year. What I have realized though is that as long as I do my very best and give all that I can, that’s all I can do.
There’s no need to worry any longer as long as I remember that. I may not remember that every day but I’ve got great friends and family to help me with that. I get discouraged really easily nowadays but a word of kindness goes a long way. And one of these days maybe I’ll be ready to help people like me get through, succeed...but I haven’t quite gotten all the way yet...soon, very soon.
Anyway, in this tumultuous time I accomplished more than finishing school, I wrote many things and trained and competed in a triathlon.
I wrote constantly during my struggle. I have started a book based on these daily writings; what it is truly like to be in a bipolar mind. I also completed two children’s books, one of which is illustrated. I hope to get these published over the summer as well as complete the third book.
The triathlon was difficult. I wasn’t prepared for the heat (I competed in September) or the swimming but I got through and had a great time doing it. It was extremely empowering, I recommend that everyone does at least one tri in their lifetime. I am hoping to do another one again this next year although I haven’t started training yet.
I tend to brag too much about my son so I thought I would save the best for last. Will is a great little boy full of curiosity. He loves to read and he can actually read on a first grade level!!! But he also loves to jump around, dance, run, and do “boy things”. He is very active! He turns five in February and I’m glad that I’m around to help him celebrate it!
Well that about wraps up the last two years. Sorry this one was so long but I was making up for two years of letters.
Will and I hope that you have a great new decade and that many blessings come from 2010!!!
