Well, the end of 2011 is quickly approaching and I'm re-evaluating where I am in my life right now. My developmental autobiography clued me in to how much your childhood can affect you. I can say the events in my childhood made me insecurely attached which is why I have so much trouble in relationships. I try to find joy outside of myself instead of inner happiness. Not that it's all me; it is a two way street but it does complicate things quite a bit.
Meeting with friends this week has brought feelings to the forefront. It seems everyone I know has well-adjusted, happy lives while I'm stuck scratching and pawing just to survive. I don't know why I've had so many struggles and they say it will make you a better person but I feel it has had the opposite effect. I know I should be motivated but it's a vicious cycle of hopes and dreams and plans that through my own lack of motivation fall through the cracks and all I'm left with is guilt for not doing more.
It seems that no matter what I do, I find myself battling nonnormative events and it makes it difficult to push through. This has been a challenging year with a broken wrist, thyroid problems, medication problems, ACL injury, and surgery. It has been challenging to find the joys but when I look at Will, I know things will get better. I know that people say Will is smart, brilliant but what I wish most for him is a healthy childhood full of normalcy and love. I don't care what else happens as long as he can find a lifetime of happiness, that's all that matters!
Well, I have to continue this later but it is nice to finally write my feelings again; it helps immensely!
