Saturday, February 14, 2015
Three Years Ago Today
Not many people know this besides my family because I was offline for a time in 2012. Three years ago today, I almost died. I was in the hospital for a week with no visitors. It was depressing but in all reality, it was my own fault. I pushed people away. I was ashamed. I felt like there was no place for me in society. So I lived my isolated little existence until I stepped out of my comfort zone and accepted myself for who I was deep down inside. I am not my illness. I should not be ashamed. I think I am a very sweet, intelligent, and motivated person. I had to accept myself in order to move on in life and become the person I am today. It takes a near death experience or watching others around you die way too early to put life in perspective. I have accomplished many things in the past four years. I have pushed myself to meet many goals and step out of my comfort zone time and time again; to face fear and anxiety and come out on top. I'm still afraid of people judging me but it's more miniscule than it's ever been. I have never been happier in all my life! I have friends and family whom I love dearly and love me too; just the way I am. I am proud of the person I've become and intend to continue to challenge myself in the future. I believe I am ready to finally accomplish the goal of helping others who are in the same situation. I would like to give hope, offer tips, and inspire others with my illness or other mental illnesses. This is my goal for 2015. I know I will achieve it because when I set my mind to it, I usually can do it.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Some Things Could Be Worse Than They Really Are
So the past few months have been kind of rough. Being sick and working a lot have been a huge strain on my positive attitude. Not to mention being the sole breadwinner in the family as Brian quit his job after he moved in. As well as having the financial responsibility for Will's school and health insurance. You think teachers would be financially well off but after all the deductions and summer pay, I really work for peanuts. Today was especially stressful but I'm tired of being negative so I put my thoughts in the right place. The tire fiasco could have been a lot worse. We could have been stuck by the side of road, or had a blow out, or an accident. We made it in one piece to Flagstaff to have fun and that's all that matters. For those who have read my blog, you know how much I've gone through; how much I've struggled. I am thankful that I am healthy enough to hold a full-time job; one that I love, I might add. I am thankful I have other side jobs to help me attempt to make ends meet. I am thankful that I am healthy enough to be a part of my son's life. I am thankful that my son is happy, healthy, and smart. I am happy that I have family and friends that love me and at the end of the day, that is all that matters. So if you're struggling, try to find the positive. Things could always be worse. At the end of the day, people matter; the people you love. I hope you all have a wonderful, blessed Christmas and that your New Year is filled with good times with the people you love!
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Lucky!
Hi again,
It's been a while...about three years to be exact. I actually forgot about this blog until a friend told me that he read it. In light of the tragedy with Robin Williams, I have decided to write once again. I just want to start off saying that I'm lucky; very lucky! In past posts on this blog, I often complained about how unlucky I was but I guess like everything in the Universe; it ebbs and flows. I have a wonderful job that I love, an awesome partner, and an intelligent son. I have the normal problems of anyone on Earth and I'm happy for those typical life problems. I relish the fact that I can have those run of the mill average problems because I've had so many not so normal problems throughout my life; especially loss. If you've read my other posts then you would understand why I'm so happy. Struggling with an illness and trying to live life is difficult. Being diagnosed bipolar is anything but normal. I don't tell many people in my day to day life because they judge. You see, there are many misconceived notions about bipolar people. They're lazy, they do drugs, they're alcoholics, they're violent. You name it, I've heard it. This makes it difficult to share with anyone your illness especially as a teacher.
I have come a long way in the past two years. I tried many different medications to make me feel like the person I was before I was diagnosed Bipolar. Thankfully, I am on one currently. This is me: loving, confident, organized, social, motivated, creative, always striving to reach a new goal. Most of my insecurity and social phobia is gone and I'm living the American dream. I'd like to say again that I'm very lucky! Most people with mental illness cannot hold a job; their medications never working and having to live on disability for the rest of their lives. I know people who take 3-4 medications every day; I only have to take one. I've known friends who have committed suicide because they didn't get help soon enough. What people don't know about mental illness is that most who are suffering from mental illness are quiet sufferers. Those, like me, who went to the ER every night because something was wrong and being watched for an hour or two and sent home without treatment, without help. Unless you're ranting and raving, you don't get help. It took those around me to see what was wrong and get me the help that I needed and for that I am eternally grateful.
I am lucky to have had friends and family who cared and who noticed. For all those people struggling out there; there is an answer! Don't give up! Don't suffer silently! Talk to someone you trust! There is help and if you need anything, I've been there before and you are welcome to reach out at any time! If I have learned anything through my struggles, it's to be there for others no matter what. You never know what they have been through and what they are struggling with.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
End of the Year
Well, the end of 2011 is quickly approaching and I'm re-evaluating where I am in my life right now. My developmental autobiography clued me in to how much your childhood can affect you. I can say the events in my childhood made me insecurely attached which is why I have so much trouble in relationships. I try to find joy outside of myself instead of inner happiness. Not that it's all me; it is a two way street but it does complicate things quite a bit.
Meeting with friends this week has brought feelings to the forefront. It seems everyone I know has well-adjusted, happy lives while I'm stuck scratching and pawing just to survive. I don't know why I've had so many struggles and they say it will make you a better person but I feel it has had the opposite effect. I know I should be motivated but it's a vicious cycle of hopes and dreams and plans that through my own lack of motivation fall through the cracks and all I'm left with is guilt for not doing more.
It seems that no matter what I do, I find myself battling nonnormative events and it makes it difficult to push through. This has been a challenging year with a broken wrist, thyroid problems, medication problems, ACL injury, and surgery. It has been challenging to find the joys but when I look at Will, I know things will get better. I know that people say Will is smart, brilliant but what I wish most for him is a healthy childhood full of normalcy and love. I don't care what else happens as long as he can find a lifetime of happiness, that's all that matters!
Well, I have to continue this later but it is nice to finally write my feelings again; it helps immensely!
Meeting with friends this week has brought feelings to the forefront. It seems everyone I know has well-adjusted, happy lives while I'm stuck scratching and pawing just to survive. I don't know why I've had so many struggles and they say it will make you a better person but I feel it has had the opposite effect. I know I should be motivated but it's a vicious cycle of hopes and dreams and plans that through my own lack of motivation fall through the cracks and all I'm left with is guilt for not doing more.
It seems that no matter what I do, I find myself battling nonnormative events and it makes it difficult to push through. This has been a challenging year with a broken wrist, thyroid problems, medication problems, ACL injury, and surgery. It has been challenging to find the joys but when I look at Will, I know things will get better. I know that people say Will is smart, brilliant but what I wish most for him is a healthy childhood full of normalcy and love. I don't care what else happens as long as he can find a lifetime of happiness, that's all that matters!
Well, I have to continue this later but it is nice to finally write my feelings again; it helps immensely!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Rehashing of Old Events, blog from 2009
Dear Friends and Family,
I write this very late Christmas letter to reminisce on events of 2009 and maybe even some from 2008. I am uncertain as to when I last wrote to all of you and regret that I haven’t kept in better touch with most of you.
There comes a time in someone’s life when they realize they don’t know anything. After spending twenty-seven years on earth, everything that made sense to them two years ago has disappeared. Almost everything in their life has fallen into the cracks of the abyss, never to be seen again.
This is where I found myself June of 2008. Everything in my life was torn apart and thrown back into my lap as pieces of a puzzle that I had to put back together. The most important part of me had been scrambled, my mind. In June 2008, I was diagnosed with a mental disorder, rapid-cycling bipolar with psychotic features. This means episodes of mania and depression with a huge helping of delusions. I no longer knew what was real and what was not. Thanks to certain members of my family, I was able to recover from this disease. However, it is a lifelong disease that takes a lot of work. I have to take medication for the rest of my life and I can relapse at any time due to stress.
I could have gone the easy route and received disability for being SMI but I have never taken the easy route. I picked up those pieces and went back to school in the Fall of 2008. I quit school before my last year to stay at home with my son. After the divorce, (which I filed for during my bout of insanity along with buying a new car and getting braces; huge impulsive decisions created mostly by my condition) I decided I wanted to finish my last year of college.
The Fall semester of 2008 was one of the hardest semesters of my life. School was never hard to me and I always earned good grades. However, I was trying to learn with a new condition, one that made it hard to concentrate, one that made me feel like I had ADD. On top of this issue, I had to deal with getting used to my medication. Not being able to get up in time for school and falling asleep during class were two of the main problems. As a future teacher this was unacceptable but I was a slave to my medication. Also, I was still having episodes and delusions which made it very hard to talk to anyone or make friends. But, I pushed through it and didn’t give up (even when I stopped taking one of my medications so I could study and relapsed instead).
By January of 2009, I was finally stable on my medication and had no more delusions or episodes. I started my student teaching semester and loved it! I passed and felt like I had done a good job and was prepared to become a full-time teacher. I graduated that Spring and was so proud that I could get through an ordeal like I did and graduate college the same year. It was the unknown of the following year that scared me.
I started a job delivering pizzas and working as a teacher for a K-1 Summer Program. I had a great summer until July when I had not heard back from any of the jobs I had applied for. I became increasingly more alarmed about not having a job so much so that it affected my summer jobs. I continued looking and by August when the Summer job had ended, I was spiraling towards a full blown depression.
I was hired as a long-term substitute in September in a place called Sells about an hour and a half from my house. Thank goodness they had a shuttle or I wouldn’t have been able to teach there! I continued to look, applied to about ten jobs a day until I received a call from one of my professors from methods (who also happened to be my student teaching supervisor). She said the principal of the school where I student taught was trying to find a teacher. I called her and two weeks later I had a job.
Now I’m a 1st/2nd grade combination teacher and like every first year teacher, I’m struggling. I’m worried about letting those kids down. I’m worried that I’m not teaching well enough or interesting enough. I’m worried that they won’t be ready for the next year. What I have realized though is that as long as I do my very best and give all that I can, that’s all I can do.
There’s no need to worry any longer as long as I remember that. I may not remember that every day but I’ve got great friends and family to help me with that. I get discouraged really easily nowadays but a word of kindness goes a long way. And one of these days maybe I’ll be ready to help people like me get through, succeed...but I haven’t quite gotten all the way yet...soon, very soon.
Anyway, in this tumultuous time I accomplished more than finishing school, I wrote many things and trained and competed in a triathlon.
I wrote constantly during my struggle. I have started a book based on these daily writings; what it is truly like to be in a bipolar mind. I also completed two children’s books, one of which is illustrated. I hope to get these published over the summer as well as complete the third book.
The triathlon was difficult. I wasn’t prepared for the heat (I competed in September) or the swimming but I got through and had a great time doing it. It was extremely empowering, I recommend that everyone does at least one tri in their lifetime. I am hoping to do another one again this next year although I haven’t started training yet.
I tend to brag too much about my son so I thought I would save the best for last. Will is a great little boy full of curiosity. He loves to read and he can actually read on a first grade level!!! But he also loves to jump around, dance, run, and do “boy things”. He is very active! He turns five in February and I’m glad that I’m around to help him celebrate it!
Well that about wraps up the last two years. Sorry this one was so long but I was making up for two years of letters.
Will and I hope that you have a great new decade and that many blessings come from 2010!!!
I write this very late Christmas letter to reminisce on events of 2009 and maybe even some from 2008. I am uncertain as to when I last wrote to all of you and regret that I haven’t kept in better touch with most of you.
There comes a time in someone’s life when they realize they don’t know anything. After spending twenty-seven years on earth, everything that made sense to them two years ago has disappeared. Almost everything in their life has fallen into the cracks of the abyss, never to be seen again.
This is where I found myself June of 2008. Everything in my life was torn apart and thrown back into my lap as pieces of a puzzle that I had to put back together. The most important part of me had been scrambled, my mind. In June 2008, I was diagnosed with a mental disorder, rapid-cycling bipolar with psychotic features. This means episodes of mania and depression with a huge helping of delusions. I no longer knew what was real and what was not. Thanks to certain members of my family, I was able to recover from this disease. However, it is a lifelong disease that takes a lot of work. I have to take medication for the rest of my life and I can relapse at any time due to stress.
I could have gone the easy route and received disability for being SMI but I have never taken the easy route. I picked up those pieces and went back to school in the Fall of 2008. I quit school before my last year to stay at home with my son. After the divorce, (which I filed for during my bout of insanity along with buying a new car and getting braces; huge impulsive decisions created mostly by my condition) I decided I wanted to finish my last year of college.
The Fall semester of 2008 was one of the hardest semesters of my life. School was never hard to me and I always earned good grades. However, I was trying to learn with a new condition, one that made it hard to concentrate, one that made me feel like I had ADD. On top of this issue, I had to deal with getting used to my medication. Not being able to get up in time for school and falling asleep during class were two of the main problems. As a future teacher this was unacceptable but I was a slave to my medication. Also, I was still having episodes and delusions which made it very hard to talk to anyone or make friends. But, I pushed through it and didn’t give up (even when I stopped taking one of my medications so I could study and relapsed instead).
By January of 2009, I was finally stable on my medication and had no more delusions or episodes. I started my student teaching semester and loved it! I passed and felt like I had done a good job and was prepared to become a full-time teacher. I graduated that Spring and was so proud that I could get through an ordeal like I did and graduate college the same year. It was the unknown of the following year that scared me.
I started a job delivering pizzas and working as a teacher for a K-1 Summer Program. I had a great summer until July when I had not heard back from any of the jobs I had applied for. I became increasingly more alarmed about not having a job so much so that it affected my summer jobs. I continued looking and by August when the Summer job had ended, I was spiraling towards a full blown depression.
I was hired as a long-term substitute in September in a place called Sells about an hour and a half from my house. Thank goodness they had a shuttle or I wouldn’t have been able to teach there! I continued to look, applied to about ten jobs a day until I received a call from one of my professors from methods (who also happened to be my student teaching supervisor). She said the principal of the school where I student taught was trying to find a teacher. I called her and two weeks later I had a job.
Now I’m a 1st/2nd grade combination teacher and like every first year teacher, I’m struggling. I’m worried about letting those kids down. I’m worried that I’m not teaching well enough or interesting enough. I’m worried that they won’t be ready for the next year. What I have realized though is that as long as I do my very best and give all that I can, that’s all I can do.
There’s no need to worry any longer as long as I remember that. I may not remember that every day but I’ve got great friends and family to help me with that. I get discouraged really easily nowadays but a word of kindness goes a long way. And one of these days maybe I’ll be ready to help people like me get through, succeed...but I haven’t quite gotten all the way yet...soon, very soon.
Anyway, in this tumultuous time I accomplished more than finishing school, I wrote many things and trained and competed in a triathlon.
I wrote constantly during my struggle. I have started a book based on these daily writings; what it is truly like to be in a bipolar mind. I also completed two children’s books, one of which is illustrated. I hope to get these published over the summer as well as complete the third book.
The triathlon was difficult. I wasn’t prepared for the heat (I competed in September) or the swimming but I got through and had a great time doing it. It was extremely empowering, I recommend that everyone does at least one tri in their lifetime. I am hoping to do another one again this next year although I haven’t started training yet.
I tend to brag too much about my son so I thought I would save the best for last. Will is a great little boy full of curiosity. He loves to read and he can actually read on a first grade level!!! But he also loves to jump around, dance, run, and do “boy things”. He is very active! He turns five in February and I’m glad that I’m around to help him celebrate it!
Well that about wraps up the last two years. Sorry this one was so long but I was making up for two years of letters.
Will and I hope that you have a great new decade and that many blessings come from 2010!!!
Friday, February 18, 2011
Life is Like a Box of Chocolates...
So, taking time out of my day before I crash for the night. It's been a while since I've written but I haven't had much energy or time. A typical day (M-F) in the life of me (every other day I have Will):
Between 4 & 5:30am Wake up, get myself and Will up dressed, showered, and fed
Between 6:00 & 7 Get out the door and drop Will off at school then get to work
Between 6:30 & 7:30 (Most of the time 7:30 because it's hard for me to get out of bed before 5:30) Get to work and prep for the day or mentally prepare myself for the day
8:00-4:15 Teach
4:15-5pm Clean up and pick up Will or drive home
5:30-8:30 Eat dinner, spend time with Will, put him to bed
8:30 - 11:00 Work on stuff for school (or as of late go to bed early because I'm so exhausted from being sick)
Wednesday night I review the paper written by a fellow classmate for my grad class and send it back wuth comments.
A typical Saturday:
8:00-10:00 Wake up, spend some time with Will
10:00-11:00 Drop Will off
11:00am - 9:00pm Do grad school homework (Read a few articles, write a paper)
9:00 - 11:00pm Spend time with my bf, go to bed
A typical Sunday:
8:00am-12:00am Organize paperwork, grading, laundry, and clean house (if I get the chance)
I'm so tired and I don't know if it's because I don't have much time to do the stuff I used to do (go to the gym, go skating, read a book for fun...) or if it's because I'm sick. So the latest...I might have hypothyroidism. I'll find out more next Wednesday but if I do have this condition I'll be happy to be on medication and not be tired anymore!
Also I have been very self-conscious lately. Since January I have been increasingly more obsessed with what people think of me expecially since I've been getting sick so much and taking off so much time from work. I've been really worried about what my coworkers think of me too. I wish I didn't have to deal with all this stupid insecurity. I'm hoping it goes away after I get better.
And now I have to worry about the future once again because my bf lost his job and now I have to worry about being the head of the household in charge of all bills. I wish I hadn't moved into such an expensive place...Plus that means I have to find a summer job and a job for next year if the school I'm at doesn't want to retain me due to the fact that I no longer want to be a teacher and I've missed so many days. I must be a complete pain in their ass lately!
Sometimes I wish I had just taken the easy way out and filed for disability. I've been way to stressed out and angry lately. Often times, I wonder if I am even capable of doing what normal people do or if it's just the infections I've had or the potential hypothyroidism. I really just want to feel normal again and it's been a while since I have.
Well, hopefully this weekend I won't waste most of it by sleeping. I have the opportunity to go out tomorrow; that should be fun! I haven't been out since the second week or so of January and could use some fun and dancing. We'll see if I'm completely up to par and not nervous around all the people; crowds have been freaking me out lately. God, I wish I was normal, I had better luck, and I had the ability to get everything done that I need to get done.
Between 4 & 5:30am Wake up, get myself and Will up dressed, showered, and fed
Between 6:00 & 7 Get out the door and drop Will off at school then get to work
Between 6:30 & 7:30 (Most of the time 7:30 because it's hard for me to get out of bed before 5:30) Get to work and prep for the day or mentally prepare myself for the day
8:00-4:15 Teach
4:15-5pm Clean up and pick up Will or drive home
5:30-8:30 Eat dinner, spend time with Will, put him to bed
8:30 - 11:00 Work on stuff for school (or as of late go to bed early because I'm so exhausted from being sick)
Wednesday night I review the paper written by a fellow classmate for my grad class and send it back wuth comments.
A typical Saturday:
8:00-10:00 Wake up, spend some time with Will
10:00-11:00 Drop Will off
11:00am - 9:00pm Do grad school homework (Read a few articles, write a paper)
9:00 - 11:00pm Spend time with my bf, go to bed
A typical Sunday:
8:00am-12:00am Organize paperwork, grading, laundry, and clean house (if I get the chance)
I'm so tired and I don't know if it's because I don't have much time to do the stuff I used to do (go to the gym, go skating, read a book for fun...) or if it's because I'm sick. So the latest...I might have hypothyroidism. I'll find out more next Wednesday but if I do have this condition I'll be happy to be on medication and not be tired anymore!
Also I have been very self-conscious lately. Since January I have been increasingly more obsessed with what people think of me expecially since I've been getting sick so much and taking off so much time from work. I've been really worried about what my coworkers think of me too. I wish I didn't have to deal with all this stupid insecurity. I'm hoping it goes away after I get better.
And now I have to worry about the future once again because my bf lost his job and now I have to worry about being the head of the household in charge of all bills. I wish I hadn't moved into such an expensive place...Plus that means I have to find a summer job and a job for next year if the school I'm at doesn't want to retain me due to the fact that I no longer want to be a teacher and I've missed so many days. I must be a complete pain in their ass lately!
Sometimes I wish I had just taken the easy way out and filed for disability. I've been way to stressed out and angry lately. Often times, I wonder if I am even capable of doing what normal people do or if it's just the infections I've had or the potential hypothyroidism. I really just want to feel normal again and it's been a while since I have.
Well, hopefully this weekend I won't waste most of it by sleeping. I have the opportunity to go out tomorrow; that should be fun! I haven't been out since the second week or so of January and could use some fun and dancing. We'll see if I'm completely up to par and not nervous around all the people; crowds have been freaking me out lately. God, I wish I was normal, I had better luck, and I had the ability to get everything done that I need to get done.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thoughts on the Job Offer
Part of the letter to my principal:
I have a few concerns about the job offer for next year. I was quite honored by the offer but I have been reflecting quite a bit.
My main question was, What is my motivation for accepting the job?
1) The challenge of learning a different aspect of education.
2) The prestige
3) The increase in salary
I believe some of these are not the greatest motivations for accepting a job.
Another question was, Do I have the knowledge to accept this job?
At first I believed that I had enough knowledge to be trained as a principal. However, now I am not so sure. As I was sitting next to you while you were talking to Mr. and Mrs. Williams, I realized that I do not have the knowledge or experience you have. I think you're doing a great job as principal and I know I don't have the wisdom you have in this field. I know I have almost 10 years experience with working with children but I only have 1.2 years experience teaching in an elementary school setting not including my methods and student teaching. I also am getting my masters degree to become more knowledgeable in this field but I have just started so cannot count this.
Then I think, you wouldn't have asked me if you didn't believe I could do the job. Do you believe I can gain enough experience to be the principal next year? Do you believe that I can squelch the fires coming from the parents and the concerns from the teachers? Can I be someone that the teachers look up to and go to when they have a problem or need advice? Will I be able to do the job effectively and with character?
Also I am worried about how the parents will view that next year with a principal with very minimal experience and education to be the principal. I honestly don't want people to leave the school because of me.
Basically, I'm still not sure about taking the position especially since I been watching you perform your duties as principal. However, I would like to know what the training process entails and whether it will prepare me to the point where I can do the best job I can as the principal.
I have a few concerns about the job offer for next year. I was quite honored by the offer but I have been reflecting quite a bit.
My main question was, What is my motivation for accepting the job?
1) The challenge of learning a different aspect of education.
2) The prestige
3) The increase in salary
I believe some of these are not the greatest motivations for accepting a job.
Another question was, Do I have the knowledge to accept this job?
At first I believed that I had enough knowledge to be trained as a principal. However, now I am not so sure. As I was sitting next to you while you were talking to Mr. and Mrs. Williams, I realized that I do not have the knowledge or experience you have. I think you're doing a great job as principal and I know I don't have the wisdom you have in this field. I know I have almost 10 years experience with working with children but I only have 1.2 years experience teaching in an elementary school setting not including my methods and student teaching. I also am getting my masters degree to become more knowledgeable in this field but I have just started so cannot count this.
Then I think, you wouldn't have asked me if you didn't believe I could do the job. Do you believe I can gain enough experience to be the principal next year? Do you believe that I can squelch the fires coming from the parents and the concerns from the teachers? Can I be someone that the teachers look up to and go to when they have a problem or need advice? Will I be able to do the job effectively and with character?
Also I am worried about how the parents will view that next year with a principal with very minimal experience and education to be the principal. I honestly don't want people to leave the school because of me.
Basically, I'm still not sure about taking the position especially since I been watching you perform your duties as principal. However, I would like to know what the training process entails and whether it will prepare me to the point where I can do the best job I can as the principal.
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