The Day That Changed My Path Forever

When I was thirteen sitting next to a hospital bed telling my recently deceased father my last goodbyes, I really didn't think my life could get any worse. I struggled through the rest of my teen years and escaped to college. Those next four years were everything I hoped for: a good job, the ability to go to a university, and a great partner. The year after that brought an awesome house, an amazing son, and my new job of stay at home mom. If someone at that time had told me that my entire life would change in the matter of seconds, I would laugh at them. But the simple fact is that life can change in a matter of seconds and I found out the hard way on February 22nd, 2007…

I woke up struggling to get out of bed. An early riser after I had my son but now I was very sluggish due to my pregnancy. Must be the hormones I thought as I walked to my son's room to see if he was awake. He is, which fit in perfectly with my plans for that day. I fixed breakfast while packing little snacks and activities in his diaper bag. He just turned two and I wasn't sure if the rodeo parade we were going to would capture his attention the whole time. I decided to take him this year because I heard good things about it and I loved sharing new experiences with him. Everything had worked out for us to go. I didn't have to watch the little boy who came over three times a week, my house was clean, and I had no other things going on. But, I didn't feel well. I had morning sickness and I was really tired. I thought about staying home once again but I didn't want to deprive my son of an outing so I finished packing our things and got him dressed. We headed out the door unaware that our lives would change forever.

I drove around the area the parade was supposed to run so we could find the perfect spot. I decided the best spot was about five hundred feet from the stoplight. Hardly anyone was setting up yet so I was glad we had the choice of where to sit. I parked my Expedition and pulled out my son’s Red Flyer, loaded him in, and headed for our spot. We sat right where the street met the dirt. There were no barriers. I sipped on decaf coffee as we anticipated what we would see at the rodeo parade. The parade started a little after 9am and my son was excited about all the sights including the horses. Partway through, tragedy struck right in front of us. I saw little Brielle trampled by a team of horses. I heard screams and crying. I was so numb I didn't know how to react, I was in shock. I didn't leave right away because I was praying that she would survive. I wanted to see that she was ok. They took her in an ambulance and I just sat there as the parade continued. I came partially out of the shock and left the parade. I was just praying she survived.

I came home, put my son to bed for a nap, and lay on the couch. I had talked to my husband on the way and he had that said she had died. I was in pain. I cried and cried until my son woke up but still I was devastated. It was extremely tough to deal with all the emotions that I felt. I powered through as best as I could but was haunted by flashbacks and nightmares.

Exactly a week after the tragedy I was riding my bike with my son and husband. I didn't feel well while riding so we turned back sooner than normal. I went to the bathroom when I came home and realized that I had started bleeding.

We went to the hospital where they sent us home to wait. I went to my ob/gyn the next day where she said that it could or could not happen. I went home once again to wait until Monday. Over the weekend I was in a lot of pain and knew there really was something wrong. My sister drove me to the doctor Monday morning. Two doctors told me the baby was gone. I have never felt so much pain in my life, such raw emotion. My heart was no longer in my body. It was wrenched out of my chest and stomped on the ground until there was nothing left. I thought I had been through so much in my life and here was one of the worst things; it's one of the most horrendous feelings anyone could ever have. I cried and then tried to compose myself enough to leave the doctor's office. My sister was waiting with my son in the waiting room. I cried harder as I passed that room; the room with all the pregnant women and newborn babies.

My sister drove my son to my mother in law's house as I screamed and cried the whole ride. My son was crying too and I couldn't console him because I couldn't even console myself. Yet I was the reason he was crying. He didn't understand and I couldn't explain it to him if I tried. The little boy who told me he wanted a sister and was so excited that I was pregnant.

My sister drove me to my husband's work and we drove back to pick up my son, dropping off my sister on the way. I had calmed down some since and we decided to get a tree from Home Depot to plant in honor of the baby. Tragedy struck once more that night. As my husband and his brother made room for the tree in the backyard with a pick-up truck, they ran over our dog, Tiny, who had gotten out of the side yard. When my husband came in with the news holding the dog in his arms, I lost it. I pounded my fists against the tile, screamed, and ran out of the house full speed. I ran until I started hurting and found a ditch to curl up in. I felt hopeless, my insides felt like they had been ground into dust and the rest of me was just an empty shell, a black hole, a void. I felt like I had nothing left.

Over the next few weeks, I tried to talk to people about my pain but people tend to avoid you like the plague when something like this happens. Or they avoid the topic completely because they only want to hear happy things or they tell you that you can always have more kids. I wanted to yell, kick, and scream. I wanted to throw a temper-tantrum because they had no idea what I was going through and yet they said that we could always have more kids. No one would say that to someone who had just lost their 2 year old or 8 year old; why the difference? I did everything I could to get past this pain including getting a tattoo which I equated as the same as giving birth: pain, time, blood, and a constant reminder etched on my body.

These tragedies triggered the start of a new journey, one with Bipolar Disorder. I was diagnosed with this disorder not too long after these events. I had lost so much already but I would have to say that losing reality was one of the hardest things for me to overcome. This one day in 2007 started a chain of events that would cause my Bipolar Disorder and change my entire path in life. I’m happy to say that even if it was an extremely difficult journey, it has helped me become a stronger person. It’s often a daily battle with my mind but one that I feel proud of winning every single day.

Learning to overcome all of my losses and live with Bipolar Disorder has helped me assist others in their own journeys and has helped me save more than one life by sharing my own story. It has helped me connect with others on a deeper level. It has made me humble. It has helped me appreciate the good times more and has helped me value the time spent with the people I love. These experiences have changed me in a way I could never go back to the way I was but I feel like I am the person I was always supposed to be; flaws, scars, and all.