Tough Times

I had been stable for so long, I never thought I would relapse. Sure, I changed medication because it was causing health issues but I never thought I would ever relapse again. Sure, I had some minor episodes especially after my sister died but I was able to get through those. Unfortunately, even though I knew it was a possibility and even wrote about it, I was not prepared for the Bipolar storm that ensued.

I had some small episodes starting in August 2016 when my son was diagnosed with scfe (slipped capital femoral epiphysis) and had to have surgery. I got depressed but didn’t realize it because I kept myself so busy trying to help him recover while balancing my three jobs. I was burning the candle at both ends. In December 2016, I was admitted to the hospital with heart palpitations which I think was caused from all the stress I was under. It was then I decided to find another medication since the medication I was on causes heart problems and my sister passed away at 39 from heart issues. I also thought the current medication I was on might be causing our fertility issues.

The search for a new medication was put into motion and I found one and changed medications In February 2017. This is when my complete relapse started. I started taking on more which for me is mania. I started tutoring 4 more families because I became obsessed with paying off my credit cards. The mania got even worse when Will had to go in for another surgery. The mania was good until March when I started thinking everyone was talking about me and making fun of me. I had a hard time teaching at the gym because my social anxiety on the stage made my legs shake and it just wasn’t fun anymore. I mentioned this to a gym member and the lead Pump instructor took my class away. I was devastated and stopped going to the gym. I channeled this into putting more energy in at teaching my second grade class. I quit my tutoring jobs in April because I was feeling very overwhelmed with everything. I made it through the school year just dealing with mania even though I didn’t realize I was having mania episodes.

It became really bad in May. I should have realized it when I went to my friend’s birthday party and had to leave after fifteen minutes.  I went to the doctor multiple times over the summer but they were hopeful that my medication would start working and thought adding some anxiety medication would help.  Brian and I even went to another doctor for a second opinion and were met with the same kind of thinking. I barely made it through summer school and had to be ready for the next school year because I was teaching a new grade. This caused severe anxiety as I had never taught third grade before and the unknown made my mania and anxiety worse. I thought everyone was talking maliciously about me and I stopped trusting people. I kept to myself and put all my effort into being the best third grade teacher I could be. My thinking was people would stop talking bad about me if I devoted all my time to teaching my third graders.

I pushed myself everyday even though I knew something was wrong and I didn’t know what to do. I called my mom every day, sometimes twice a day, just to get through. She was very patient and I knew she wanted to help but didn’t know how. I had been self-harming at home since May just to fight the racing thoughts that kept swirling in my head. I wanted the thoughts to go away but didn’t know how. I felt like I was doing all the right things because I was taking my medication as prescribed and getting enough sleep every night. All the things you’re supposed to do with an illness like mine. I wish I would have just known to commit myself but I was so far gone that I couldn’t think clearly enough to take myself.

In September, the idea to look into ECT popped into my head. I really believe God guided me in this because I had only heard of it once (years ago) and I had been praying for some help every day for months. I set up the appointment but they didn’t have any openings until the end of October. I had to suffer with all of this torment until then. At the end of September, I had to take family leave from work because the episodes had become so severe. I stayed at home and watched television because my social anxiety was so horrendous that I couldn’t leave my house. So now it was just a waiting game for my ECT appointment with lots of prayers that it would help me get back to myself.

I had my first ECT treatment at the end of October and it immediately helped. I started feeling normal again and was able to go back to work at the beginning of November. I made only a few bad decisions while I was sick which I think in a positive light because it could have been so much worse. I’ve had to rebuild my life again and there are many obstacles I still have to face because of all this but I’m happy to have my life back.

You never know how thankful you are for the life you’re living until it’s gone. I wasn’t able to enjoy life. I wasn’t able to enjoy spending time with my husband and son. I wasn’t able to enjoy time with my friends. I wasn’t able to leave the house without having an anxiety attack. I am so thankful to be healthy again because I can enjoy life and not be afraid to leave my house. I can go to my son’s basketball games and concerts without being afraid and having an anxiety or panic attack. I can live a relatively normal life again and be happy. I’ve learned that life is really about being thankful for the people and times you have in your life. Treasure them because you don’t know if one day it will all disappear.

Many blessings to all of you in 2018. Never forget to be thankful for what you have.

Peace,

Artesia